So What?

Asma Sherif Moneer

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One of the things I often see with clients is that when people share their stories or concerns about something causing them distress or the potential outcome of something, they tell it to me expecting me to agree with their assessment, which is usually, “This is a big f*cking deal.” Like, “If I do that, my partner will get mad.” or “If I tell the truth, I’ll hurt their feelings.” or “I may have to move.” “I could lose my job.” And my response is often something that can be sort of jarring, but it’s intended to be. Because it’s really important that when we tell a story, we separate out the facts from our perceptions, and no coach worth their salt is doing you any favors by buying into your story. What I’ll often ask is, “So what?” Or a version thereof. So what if that person thinks this of you? So what if that happens? Another way of asking this is, “What are you making that story mean?” Often, it’s about what they’re making it mean about themselves. One thing it’s important to remember here is that our brain is a very sophisticated machine that can process a lot of info but it has its limits. There’s no way we can be constantly processing everything that comes its way. So it has to filter out what’s important vs what’s not important. For example, if I look up from writing this (in my condo in Hawaii) and observe outside, I can see the huge ocean waves, the birds, and boogie boarders. What I won’t see is the tiny details on each bird, or the brands of the boogie boards or what lineup they chose. I’m focusing on the waves and how big they are since they’re right in front of my condo. When we’re out and about, I do notice tiny details about plants, because I’m training to notice those things. I’m telling my brain that paying attention to that is important to me now. So if the brain finds it important o

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