Existential Anxiety and Crisis

Asma Sherif Moneer

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In 1991, my life seemed perfect. I had just started at UCSC, my first choice for schools, not just because of the amazing reputation of the rebel professors, but also because of the ancient redwood forests and proximity to the beach - nature was important to me, and this place had it ALL. I had a blast doing new things like skinny dipping, drum circles, and mushroom journeys with friends, majoring in clinical psychology (which I couldn’t get enough of), loving my classes… I had a great boyfriend and I was working at the Outdoor Recreation program as an assistant rock climbing guide as part of my work-study program. I felt super blessed. People told me all the time how lucky I was. So then why was I having panic attacks? I was afraid to leave my room. I was scared to drive through the mountain roads to visit my boyfriend. I was afraid to make friends. I was unsettled and restless. And I felt like something was very, verywrong. On the outside it seemed perfect, and I couldn’t figure out what was going on. And that made me scared. I thought I was having mini-strokes. I was partying too much to escape. I thoguht I was going to have a psychotic break like my father. One day, desperate for an answer, I was wandering around a bookstore with a particularly large collection of spiritual books. The spine of one book caught my eye: Spiritual Emergency: When Personal Transformation Becomes a Crisis, by the Czech psychiatrists Stanislav and Christina Gorf. I read the book sleeve and the first few pages and realized: Holy shit. I think I’m having a spiritual emergency. Looking back, I realize it was more of a spiritual awakening that was going to turn into a spiritual emergency if I didn’t get support. But those first few pages helped me realize that I wasn’t going crazy. It was a spiritual experience. It was that period o

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