Authenticity, Courage, and Relationships

<p>My husband is seriously awesome. But he can also be really annoying to me. When our daughter was younger and I was home with a toddler AND working full time, he would spend 3.5 months every year out of state paragliding just for the fun of it. That period of life was <i>particularly </i>annoying.</p><p> </p><p>At first, I asked more politely for what I needed (and what we previously agreed on): alternating who was the primary breadwinner and how much we each escaped into the wilderness for our much-needed adventures. But when he didn’t honor those agreements, I became less polite, and I started to <i>yell</i>. Which didn’t really lead to any lasting change, either. And I felt like ass afterwards.<br /> </p><p>Clearly, I wasn’t using “wise speech,” as it’s called in the Buddhist precepts, which means speaking our truth and deeply listening. </p><p> </p><p>When angry, wise speech invites us to come from a place of understanding that the <i>roots </i>of anger can be found in incorrect perceptions and lack of understanding of the suffering in ourselves and in the other person.<br /> </p><p>Sometimes we think stating our needs is speaking our truth. I even thought yelling was, in a way, speaking my truth – my anger and my needs. However, I was unintentionally leaving out the deeper truth of where my anger was coming from. For me it was fear of being left alone, of being abandoned.</p><p> </p><p>I was also not using right <i>action</i>. I didn’t say no often enough. I lacked enforcing any of my boundaries when he broke agreements. I just … yelled. I later realized this was my version of people-pleasing.  I’d rather suffer myself that risk making him uncomforatble asking him to do things he dind’t want to do or risk being alone.</p><p> </p><p>I was afraid he would leave me if I did anything <i>less </i>than work full time and raise the kid alone a lot and said, “Go go go, sweet husband - run for the hills!” I was afraid I'd <i>really </i>be alone in this daunting task.</p><p> </p><p>In my work I did with my coaches a