149: How to set the boundaries you need

We’ve covered the topic of boundaries before, https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/boundaries/ (in our conversation with Xavier Dagba).  In my work with parents, I see that an inability to set boundaries is a MAJOR cause of feeling triggered by our child’s behavior.     When we snap at our child’s behavior, it often (not always, but often) comes somewhat later in the day.     There’s a reason for that: it’s because we haven’t been able to set boundaries early in the day, so each time our child crosses where a boundary should have been, we get more and more irritated.  Then finally we can’t take it any more - and after one last not-boundary crossing, we snap.   (If you snap early in the day, I’d ask you to consider what boundaries were crossed for you the day (or many days) before, and whether you’re still feeling the effects of that?)   So we’ve discussed this before, and yet…boundaries continue to be a struggle for almost all of the parents I meet.  Why is this?   We’ll get into that in this episode, which draws on Nedra Tawwab’s book https://www.amazon.com/Set-Boundaries-Find-Peace-Reclaiming/dp/0593192095 (Set Boundaries, Find Peace), and goes beyond it too.  Nedra outlines nine reasons why we find setting boundaries so difficult, and I argue that’s because all nine are rooted in patriarchal ways of being in relationships.     When we’ve been conditioned for decades that our role as women is not to seem rude or mean, to keep the peace at all costs, to make sure everyone else’s needs are taken care of before our own, and to have our power in a relationship come from taking care of others, is it any wonder that we go out into the world and have no idea how to even know we need a boundary, never mind how to set one?   And secondly I argue that while we might need more boundaries between us and the people we love, that we have WAY TOO MANY boundaries between us and the people in our broader communities.  That’s one big reason w