Empathy vs Compassion

<p>During a ceremony on my last meditation retreat, I looked this woman in the eyes and she was sobbing (with joy) and BAM! I started sobbing - also with joy - for how beautiful and precious the moment was. I didn’t stop, the entire ceremony. I had an <i>immediate</i> response to her tears of joy. And I could not reign that shizzle in. For the <i>life</i> of me.</p><p> </p><p>On the other end of tears, as a nurse, a midwife, and also a death doula, I’ve witnessed a lot of suffering - I’ve delivered stillborn babies and sat with their mothers as they held them and sobbed. I held their babies myself, kissed them on the forehead and cried.</p><p> </p><p>I’ve seen elders come into the ED after watching their life partner die of a heart attack and holding them in their sadness, now feeling very alone. I’ve sat bedside with grieving families as a beloved family member was taking their last breath. I’ve heard horrifying war stories working in refugee camps and working at community clinics serving the underserved, often living in horrible conditions in violent and fear-ridden environments.</p><p> </p><p>I found that what drew me to this kind of work was a natural inclination towards compassion… yet it seemed that’s the very thing that made the work so hard. </p><p> </p><p>I think I had a misunderstanding of the difference between empathy and compassion, as well as not having the skills for true self-care.</p><p> </p><p>It felt like, “I care <i>too</i> much.” </p><p> </p><p>But really, it was because I was <i>overidentifying</i> with the suffering I was witnessing. It wasn't compassion that was overwhelming me at the time. It was unprotected empathy.  Unchecked empathy.</p><p> </p><p>I’m not alone. It turns out a lot of people mistake empathy for compassion. So that’s what I want to clear up today.</p><p> </p><p><strong>Empathy</strong> is understanding how someone feels, and trying to imagine how that might feel for <strong>you</strong> — it’s a mode of <strong>relating</strong>. It can even involve <strong>feeling</stro